An Open Letter to Closed Letters

Why aren’t you addressed to me? Ugh. I hate secrets.

An Open Letter to Capital Letters:
You don’t have a significant purpose. I have just come to accept you over time.

An Open Letter to Love Letters:
You’re the only thing keeping pen and paper alive. Godspeed.

An Open Letter to Bloodletters:
You probably realized that you were killing more patients than healing them, but you were young. You didn’t know. It was the Greco-Roman era, and those were crazy times.

An Open Letter to Letter-Openers:
People have tried and failed to improve upon the shiny dagger model. It’s too bad you’re a better weapon than a tool. In order to limit the likelihood of my being the victim of a CLUE-style demise, I have resorted to the plastic type—the kind that has a blade so dull it cowers before envelopes and wrinkles them instead of slicing them. Like when you plan to punch a guy but when he gets up from his bar stool he’s taller than you so you smooth the shoulders of his blazer and straighten his tie.

An Open Letter to Owen Letters
Hi Mr. Letters. Hope you are well.